Thursday, August 4, 2011

A Boomer's Guide to Alienating Your Fellow Man

Admit it. Life as a middle aged person can be kind of a drag.  Work, work, plod. Worry about the economy. Be nice. Clean the toilet. Yeah.

Forthwith, here are some jazzy comebacks to sprinkle throughout your day. Won't cost you any money, and the outcome of your impulsive remarks will make your glad that your impetuous youth has gone the way of all flesh.  Or these encounters might make you ready for senility, when you'll be able to get away with anything.

So. Say one of your coworker says "Howzit going?" and you can tell he doesn't give a rip and you think he really thinks he could do your job in half the time (but you might be wrong).  Try this out:  "Just what do you mean by ''IT'"?

For those times when the MacTeenager at the MacDrivethrough is MacRude and messes up your MacOrder, but you know that only the young and desperate would take a MacJob:  When she simpers "Have a good one," reply, "Which french fry are you referring to?"

When you're at the mailbox, and your neighbor, at her mailbox, calls out "How you doing?" Consider responding, "Oh, I'm all sorts of things."  It could be the start of a deep soul correspondence. Or not.

"Nice day," says the UPS man.  "Yes, it is," you say, "and I like the way this box smells."

"How are you?" asks your neighbor who never talks to you.  Look over your shoulder, then say, "Who?"

These were very cool but tipped over easily.
The clerk at the liquor store has gauges in his ears, a sleeve tattoo, and a pierced lower lip with a soul patch.  "How're you?" He asks.  Recall the magic of the sixties. Then look him in the eye (is it bloodshot?), and say, "I am  Far F**cking Out."

Those who really lived the sixties may not remember them, but the tribe has to stick together.   Is there something you've always wanted to reply to a cab driver, investment broker, convenience store clerk, telemarketer, department head, certified public accountant, therapist, or zookeeper, but never have?


Anonymous said...

Can I answer the callers to MPW who ask "are you open" with "no, I broke in here and started answering the phone"

HelenQP said...

Sounds like a plan!

If you answer MY question, 'What is MPW?' I suppose it will blow your alias. Or give you an op to come up with a really witty acronym...

Rich Sidney said...

I sort of figure that the only "wrong" answer to "How are you?" is "Fine!" Unless, of course, you are a Bic ballpoint pen.

Anonymous said...

MPW = My place of work. Sorry to have such a mundane answer.

HelenQP said...

Rich, Yes, 'fine' should be banned from the lexicon. However, it got me through my troubled adolescence, so there's something to be said for that. It's a meaningless answer, which is perfect when you're 16 and pissed off.

MPW...Subtle...intriguing. Like it!